Today was amazingg. I love horseback ridingg! I had a great morning it is beyond beautiful out,its pretty great. Nell bells comin over tommoro =).NEXT WEEK IS PROMMMM!

You will prob hear me talk bout many of the same things as you read about my life. I'll try not to be repeative i promise; but at this time in my life change can be found in my heart and in my green eyes. I wasent very clear in my last entry of where change has transformed me I only stated a few facts of mayjor changes,that create a diffrent aspect then the other entries of my past. For ex. acutally having someone in my life longer then a month and the one person I was inseperble with is no longer there and im stronger then ever. A year ago right now i was dating Steve and best friends with Stephanie. Thoose two people back then ,if you looked at them now if you hold a conversation with etheir of them in theese two diffrent time periods ...you wouldnt believe they were the same people. I'll admit it,Steve was my first love,i was crazy about him. He was the only person that had this light in his eyes hat i thought could never die. He was determined and when he loved somthing he put his whole heart into it. He was spontanous a crazy romantic,loved music in his heart and sports,he would sing with me and for me. I thought i could never care about someone so much ,ever. Well you know what? I am so in love with Chris its beyond ten times more incredible. What I felt for Steve was kitty love..this is so real. Chris is the most amazing guy I've ever met in my entire life,i wanna marry him when I'm older. Me and Steve didnt work out and now hes one of my really good friends. Even though I admired all thoose things about him,drugs took them all away. He thinks the saxaphone is dumb,he never writs anymore ,he dosent do sports ,he isnt determined bout anything cept weed. The light in his eyes has dimmed so much ,it is invisible to the naked eye. Steph was amazing back then as well,her and malone were my best friends. I'll never be as close to anyone as i was with them at the point in my life i kno that but she had a way of driving people away. Malone gave up at one point and recently at the begining of the new year i realized it wasent worth the struggle anymore so after a little proswating from my friends i did some thinking,and somthing in me snapped. Just like Malone ..i never thought id reach that point..but i was done. I was gonna back away slowly and still be friends with her at a skin layer basically at band in school and such but after all it ended in a mess. I miss her a whole lot..the good qualities in her..god i miss thoose every day but their is enouguh of a mean streak in her to keep me away. We live seperate lives now,she chose a diffrent path then me but our memoires will always hold a place in my heart. I still see Kevin and we talk bout how we miss the old days and we are gonna hang out over april break with celia malone and jamie,it will be a lot of fun and im excited. Jannelle Becca and Rachael are incredible and i become closer to chels and liv with each growing day. Chris is increible ,like i allready said and i still have Erins Em Brandon and devin like i have for years. Kyle has become one of my bes friends in the last few months hes great. Me and Nikki have become a lot closer now too. Ilove my life. I don't do drugs theese days,I have put my head in my books and I dont live with a weary smile or regrets. Everything that has happended i have done for a reason. I want to explore the world when I graduate from college,this town is not enough for me.

Its been 26 weeks sense my last entry,and boy has so many things changed. I read some of my old entries an had a lot of mixed feelings. The memories shared in entires up to a year ago are memoires that a part of me missed,yet thoose memories were with people that now a days ..i barely speak two words to...shocking huh? Me and Steph dont even talk anymore. Eveneryone changes ,wheather its for the good ,better..worse or all 3. Life is a series of events that change who u really are and who u are to become. I have opened my mind to the things that sweeten the appetite of my heart. I read about 2 novels a week,taught myself how to play saxaphone,fell in love..stayed in love have been for 6 months and spend any min. ican writing. On weekends i have a blast with so many diffrent personalties it would make your head spin. I have become very well rounded as i approach this upcoming summer..my 2nd to last summer of my highschool carreer. I will be updating this often now...i like it. Life has changed so mch..and it will keep on changing. If you wish to read as each day passes,be my guest.

Xiphius99: im not kidding
Xiphius99 : your so pretty
Xiphius99 : like
Xiphius99 : u have no clue
Xiphius99 : id give my man hood for a girl like u
Xiphius99 : ur really sweet and funny and caring
Xiphius99 : and ur drop dead gorgeous
Xiphius99 : im not kidding
Xiphius99 : nor just saying it
Xiphius99 : u really are
JeNnyLyNnx3: woah
JeNnyLyNnx3 : ur man hood
JeNnyLyNnx3 : lol
Xiphius99 : ya
Xiphius99 : for a girl like u
Xiphius99 : deffinatly
JeNnyLyNnx3: well then i guess the guys around here dont kno wut they are missin huh?
Xiphius99 : they have no clue
^my friend austin that moved out to Denver when i was 10. he alwyas knows how to put me in a better mood ha ha,even when hes so utterly wrong. Tonight was not a good night. I have no idea but for some awful reason i am just so sad,i just wanna sit in my room and cry forever..and i have no clue why. Not an idea,a thought a reason i jsut want to close my door and fall apart. All this thinknig makes my head hurt,all this worrying and bad thoughts makes my heart ache and my head feel like a million pounds. I wanna cry my heart out but at the same time i dont wanna,cuz i dont wanna cry alone.

like my new layout thingy? ha ha its so pretty noww =). Ya my comptuer got a virus so i had to delete everythinggg. sux huh? Ya i had bout 120 poems on here. Its okay thoguh i can write more. Schools borng,im single. I dont kno life is sjut so boringg right now. I hope it gets better and i have a good feeling it will. dawg its allready OCTOBER. O ya by the way i had homcoming! It was really fun. Theres nothin really new in my life besides the fact that theres like 589438508349058 new band couples. I exaggerated but legit theres 9. Me and Sarah counted. =) . Isnt that redonkilous? haha. I have a date to prom allready. kool eh? ha ha im goin with my friend jeremy. Its kool cuz we are really good friends so i kno ill have fun even thoguh its not for another like 7 1/2 months. he he . Long weekend this weekenddd! I dont have many plans. I have to work sat. at some point im hangin out with steph teddy and mike and beccas sleepin over sun. night. We had our 1st competion... =/ We got a 65. But if we ahd a colorguard we would have won. sux eh? o well there shal be more of themm. i really miss my friends. Jeff Ben and Emily the most though. ugh i msis them so muchh!. Well ya thats all for now,ill write soon though. peace!

Wut a shame it is. a sad sad shame to look back on ur past and grasp at the hushed desires that once filled your heart with so much restless wishing,soon fill your heart again. Why do we seek things that we know we cant handle? Why do we desire such terrible things,and not only terrible things but things we know are terrible. Things, that rattled our emotions not to far back that when they jog our memory they make us shudder. Why do we waste time even looking back on it,let alone rethinking it over? We get so mad at ourselves for theese pointless actions. We become enraged as we rip apart almost perfectly closed scars. We keep it all to ourselves til it spills out of us like an angry volcano. So much hate and anger towards that one thoguht,that one idea. So much tender heart ache as we think about the better bits and pieces of each small memory. A heart ache so pure,so powerful it churns your stomach and makes you feel utterly sick. Your body becomes numb as you lie to yourself that theese memories are sturdy,strong enough to lean on. As you lean on them for support you fall back into your past,faster then you would ever realize. The memories you once thought to be strong became as weak as a rock on a spider web. Time will never sleep.

schedule for tommoro.
Band camp 12 til 6. THEN FUCKIN WORK 6:30 -10:30
>:(

once i get excited,once i get a damn break time to relax its gone.

Hello. Life is very very busy right now. I have school all day then i work 3-9 4 days a week. Ive only had this schedule and im allready EXAUSTED. like straight up gone. ANd you kno wut,its sjut gonna get even more exaustiong and in a weird way,im freanin pumped! For the past 3 months it was summer ,i didnt ahve 2 wake up til really late and now im up at 5 and my head dosent touch the pillow til late. But ehy,im making moeny i have band comin up, i have a new boy. =D yes i said it! i have no idea where this is gonna go we arent dating ,he dosent like labels and i dont blame him kno wut i mean? relashnships kill shit. i like him ,he likes me,wut else matters?? my schedule is really ambnocious,i odnt see steph til band last period and i hate it. i have a lot of things to look forward to,and one thing is sleep tonight. AND IM GETTIN A NEW GOD DAMN PUPPY TOMMORO NIGHT. Her name is Maggie shes a yellow lab, 6 weeks old. I cant wait. but im ogin to bed now ,talk to you all soon.

its labor day. WE GOT A NEW FRIDGEEE! Its black and wicked awesome looking. It has not one door but TWO. hahaha ok im done. I met this really cute kid at work but hes way to good for me so im not gnna even bother. I kno that sounds wicked lame but if u saw him ,youd understand. I miss my friends. They are all at college now and schools gonna suck. Ems gone ,jeffys gone widners bates the lsit goes on forever. Hell even bens leavin! His house is up for sale. Its just all sad and i miss my friends damn it. Summer is over,i go back to school in 2 days that is also wicked lame. KIID im working every day this week cept friday. fjkdjsfjklsdjfkljdsk. it suckss. did i mention theres a cute kid at work? ha ha. Im prob. hangin out with elijah soon. =) maybe not really sure wtf is up for today all i kno is i got a new fridge!

im bored. Everyone always tries to get inside my head. Have u ever had that feeling that when someone looks at you ,they can read your thoughts?? I hate that feeling. School starts up in less then a week.. Am i prepared? no. Am i ready for more responsibilties? No. Am i read to face the fact that i have 2 more years til im done?? Never. Life goes by so fast,i rember the day i sat in oritentaion and as they said theese last 4 years would speed by i rooled my eyes, I rooled my eyes at the same orentation that my lil sister is attending tonight. Things have changed so much. Ive grown up more then i thought i would. When i was younger i always tried to picture myself at this age. And you know wut,wut i wanted..wut i pictured .. i am. I have incredible friends im single and im oaky with that,im involved in somthing that changed my life, and am an officer of it. Being section leader is such a big thing to me. I have a job i love. I kno i complain a lot but every teenager does here and there. Life could get no better as i enter my junior year of highschool. I dont need a guy puttin me down ,i dont need anything or any part of anyone that puts me down. It sux that the person you gave your heart to didnt appreciate it. It sucks that the one thing I suck at is finding a decent guy. If you read all my stupid previous entries it is pretty clear that my choices in men are terrible. You got the cheaters the deranged pot heads,the far away boys and the one that was in walking distance but was so far away from reality that it didnt really make a diffrence. My life is going well so and theres always that one thing you need to work on. i ahve it in me,i could have a guy in the snap of my figners..but the hard part is to find the right one.